In which Edward goes emo
by This Isn't My Real Name
Summary: One of those beloved, ridiculously OOC fanfics that take no time or effort. This was spawned by a rabid IM conversation. Edward x everyone else. Also strongly related to coffee.
1. Sexy Accents, Hair Dye, and Coffee

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. Or the one song by CSS. Who bother me. Also, I don't mean to insult people who claim to be 'emo.'

* * *

"Music is my boyfriend!" Edward sang, dancing around the manor. It was more tolerable than you might expect, as when he was ten, his mother had made him take tap-dancing lessons, but it was still, without a doubt, annoying as hell. He continued to sing. "Music is my girlfriend..."  
"Edward, you are despicable," Bella said. "You know how much I hate that song and those girls with the sexy accents."  
"But I love sexy accents," Edward sobbed as a tear came to his eye.  
"What?" Bella asked in an annoyed tone.  
"It amazes me how insensitive you can be, Bella!"  
Edward went to emo out in his room.  
"Not again," sighed Bella.

Bella was sitting at the Cullens' kitchen table, stirring some coffee. With a spoon. It was unknown to her why the Cullens even had a kitchen table, or coffee, or even spoons, because they were vampires, of course, and didn't use any of them. But who cared, seeing as they were so damn rich anyway?  
"Howdy," Alice, who was not on crack, said, looking like a female version of Billie Joe Armstrong.  
"Shut up," Bella snapped at her.  
"Someone got out on the wrong side of the bed today. Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, but hon, why are you so glum today? You should be happy as a lark."  
"Cut the idioms, Alice. And since when have you called me 'hon?'"  
"Whatever. But why are you feeling down?"  
"Well, you see, Edward's gone emo again."  
"Oh no!"  
"Like hell, oh no."  
"Well, on the bright side, he does look hotter emo."  
"Alice!" Bella gasped in horror. "You're his sister!"  
"Somewhat," said Alice. "Not technically. Anyway, what do you think we should do to remedy this situation?"  
"That's what I came to ask you."  
"Well, I might suggest sneaking up on him," suggested the disastrous-haired female vampire.  
"Will do." Bella went off to study the emo Edward in his natural habitat.

Edward was in his room.  
Being emo.  
Bella walked in just as her beloved boyfriend was dying his luscious, weird-colored copper auburn hair black.  
"NO, EDWARD!11!!//1?" SHOTED BELA  
"I'm sorry, Bella," explained Edward, "but there is a black hole in my soul, so I'm dying my hair to match."  
"Well, that's dumb."  
"You jest."  
"No, actually. Look at my face. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JESTIN'?!"  
"Fine. I'm going to go to La Push and me and Jacob can bop like bunnies."  
"I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO!"  
As Bella exploded into a hissy fit, Edward halted dying his hair and knelt down on the floor to look for his eyeliner.


	2. Mugs, Stomping, and More Coffee

DISCLAIMER: I still don't own Twilight, much to my dismay.

* * *

Bella stormed down to the kitchen, another thing that the Cullens shouldn't have, but do.  
Alice was sitting there with Jasper and Emmett. They were all stirring individual cups of black coffee. Discrimination against coffee! Oh no!  
"Great. Just great!"  
"What is it now, Bella?" Alice said, continuing to stir her coffee.  
"I got Edward angry, and now he's off to go and be intimate with Jacob." Bella sighed. "I thought they hated each other. Not to mention I didn't even know he swung that way."  
"So that's where he goes every Saturday night," Jasper said. "It all clicks!"  
"Do you guys not get the scale of this?! Edward is cheating on me with another man!"  
"Well," Emmett advised, "remind them to use protection."  
Bella made an angry, high-pitched noise and stomped out of the room.  
"Why are we stirring coffee again?" asked Jasper.  
Alice shrugged. "All the cool kids are doing it."

Bella stomped. And stomped. She stomped all the way to La Push and by the time she got there she had stomped so much her feet were stomped to little stubs. Only not. But that really increased the drama, didn't it?  
"JACOB!" she shouted in pure, unrestrained anger.  
"Oh, no, you found out, didn't you?" Jacob's face contorted into an expression that was hard to describe, other than the fact that he looked pretty damn stunned. "I knew you wouldn't like it."  
"You - "  
"I know. Edward and I had planned it as a surprise."  
"What? Coming out?"  
"No. Where'd you get that?"  
Bella gave a heavy sigh. "Just go on."  
"Okay. Well, we put aside our differences to make you something special. 'Cause, you know, you're getting married soon. I'm so not happy for you, but yet outrageously enthusiastic!" Jacob ruffled his unkempt hair. Why, in fact, it was so horrendously unkempt that it looked like a monster was eating his head.  
"Jacob!" cried Bella. "A monster is eating your head."  
"Ah." Jacob waggled his finger. "That is a mistake many people seem to make."  
"Oh. Sorry."  
"It's okay."  
"All right. Continue?"  
"What, don't you already know what the surprise is?"  
"...You guys being gay?"  
"No! God, Bella, where do you get your ideas? We were making you a mug."  
"What?"  
"A mug. You know, for coffee."


End file.
